So....

I don't know what to think about things anymore. Life is funny. You really never do know what you are going to get. I have gone for a while now thinking I have things figured out and that I know what I am doing. I thought that the choices I have made were good and that I was were I needed to be in life and that I didn't need to worry about anything anymore. I have never been so wrong. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I feel so lost. The things I have done are now seeming to be the worst things I could have ever done. I feel I should have stuck to my original plans in the first place. I was a smart kid and knew what I wanted. What I wanted when I was a kid was in my heart. I have always felt that a child's heart is the most pure thing in the world. You can trust it's purity. You know that is it right and that is what I should have thought about a long time ago. I would be so much happier now. I guess I will never know. I am stuck here in the mess I have created and I can't go back. It's done. I have completed the transaction and there are no returns in life.

New blog name: Lost, Trapped and Alone

I can't be more pissed off about my life then I am now. I have had a crappy life and I thought that once I got out on my own that I would be able to change all of that. I wanted a better life for myself. Don't get me wrong, it is a lot better then it was but I am still not where I want to be in life. No matter what I do it seems that nothing works. I can't get to where I am going. Everything and everyone is holding me back. I can't do anything. I am stuck here in middle America and can't leave. I am maritally bound to this hell hole. I can't escape. I have to be a pastor's wife. everyone will be watching every move I make and how I raise my kids. IF anyone knows me, knows that I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't want people watching me. I don't care what people think of me either. I just don't want anyone watching me and making comments. I am not a freaking T.V. show. I just want to live my life. Ben says he will give up being a pastor just so that I don't feel like this but I know him. He wont give it up. He will make the same lame empty promises that are always made and I will end up still feeling this way. I will always feel this way. I know what people will say too. "Just give it a chance." I have given it my all. My whole life is given. When is it my turn for someone to make a sacrifice for? Who is going to think I am worth something to give something up for? I am so sick of all of this. I can't take any of it anymore. I'm done. It's finished. I am going to live my life and I am going to enjoy it. I am tired of giving to everyone else and not getting anything back. I am tired of everything. I am tired of this life. I am tired of where i live. I am tired of my friends here. I'm done. No one cares about me. Time to look out for me. Time to give to myself and stop waiting for someone else to care about me. I've been here the whole time. Why hasn't anyone noticed me? What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn't anyone care about me? When will this torture end? This sucks. I know that I was made to help others but I can't do that all of the time. I need to enjoy things too. I can't care about others if the same isn't returned. I only have so much medicine. When is it my turn to be happy? When do I get to have my dreams come true?

My determination

So I am going to the KU Edwards campus in the morning to see about my application and get a ton of information. I am so excited but totally scared too. I don't really want to go back to school but I still love the idea of learning about being a social worker and then starting the career. I am somewhat scared that I wont be able to do it. I want so bad to start and finish strong. I am very determined and this will be nothing like MidAmerica. I will actually want to do this. I have confidence but my fears are beginning to over power that confidence. Basically, right now I am just ignoring them and finding faith in my confidence and in God. I know that this is something I can do and I know that with God's will in the way, my fears will have no chance at getting the better of me. Wish me luck. I am going to become and adult.

I figured it out!

For some time now, I have been stressing out about what I should do with my life. I thought I knew but then it turned out that being a youth pastor wasn't right for me. That wasn't where my heart was comfortable. I knew that foster care was always an option but now I know that I don't think I could handle it. It would break my heart having to send the kids home to people I know don't love them the way they need to be loved. After going through PVL, I thought that I really should be a theropist. I wanted to help kids and their families. That never felt right either. I considered just being a mom. That made me feel too much like my mom, letting the man take care of me and that is not in my personallity at all. I am an independent woman and I really desire to contribute to society. I started feeling depressed again. I knew I wanted to do somehting but I couldn't "feel" anything. I made a pro con list and nothing fit. I talked to Ben about going to see a career counselor but then I got the idea to look for something online that would help push me in the right direction. I found this website that offeres a real career test. It helps identify your strengths and gives you teh possibilities of what you would be best suited for.After about an hour of taking this test, I got my results. It gave me three options and the first two where out of the question. I never could do them. One was working in health care and the other a teacher. The last one caught my eye though. I visited this option once but dismissed it really fast. I don't know why but I did. The results gave a very convincing argument as to why I should be this, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt like God was saying, "This is your gift to teh world." That is how I came to the conclusion that I am going to be a social worker. It fits right? After telling several close friends of this, they confirmed that they think it would be a really great thing I could do with my life. I have so many dreams with this too. I want to write laws to better protect foster kids rights and harsher laws for the parents. I want to be a voice to those who do not have one. I want to change the world one stuck person at a time. I am so excited about this. I can't even wait. It couldn't have come at a better time then this. I am really hating my job now. It isn't the same for some reason. I have started to dred going to work it makes it really hard on me. I now have something to look forward to and to work on. Feed back would be great. I would love to hear as to waht you all think about this step in my life. I value your opinions.

I feel so lost lately. I have no idea what I should with my life. I am torn between feeling like I have to have a career and feeling like i can do what ever I want to do. I don't really understand my own feelings. I do, however, have FULL CONFIDENCE in the fact that I need to help people. I have considered several different career paths that have something to do with helping people in some way. I really have no idea. Ben and I have been talking about having me go to a career counselor. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have gone to counseling before and not been helped at all and I don't know how it would even help me. Although, I did think that Break Through wasn't going to help me at all and I am better now then I ever have been in my whole life. I feel good to be who I am and my past no longer defines who I am but that doesn't help with what I should do with my life. I feel lost. I know that the answers are right there but I just can't see them. It is like there is this black spot over my future. Even as Ben finishes Seminary, I can't see beyond that. I am actually worrying again and that isn't good for me. I haven't been sleeping and I know it is because I am stressed over what I will do with my life. That isn't good. I don't function well on little to no sleep . I need it to live. :0) I don't know. That is just what I am feeling right now. If anyone reads this and has suggestions, please leave it as a comment. I can use all the help I can get.

A positve life ahead... what?

SO... this is what I have been dealing with that last few months. I am looking at life in a positive way and it has made me a better, happier person. I am enjoying life. I look forward to new challenges and am just basically happy. I have a sense of confidence that I have NEVER had before and it is refreshing to know that I will be okay. It does feel little strange. I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be happy. Ben and I moved to this place in July and it is like a house. It is a house but it is connected to other places just like it. It has a upstairs and downstairs. We have a front and back yard. We don't own it. I never really needed that part of having my own home, just as long as I was able to make it my own. I love to decorate adn to have my own home means that I get to make it, or decorate it, as my own. I feel safe here. I feel content without effort. I have one of the things I need. A home of my own to feel safe in.

I also have been thinking about the whole family thing. I work around kids all day five days a week. I have kids. They like me. I am crazy about them. I love watching them learn. I love being the one they learn from. It is a thrill. I love my kids. I feel like a mom without being their mother. I feel content with that right now. I know one day will come when it is not enough. My mothering instinct will get the better of me and I will cry hard about it and move on. That is all I can do.

Our money situation is really starting to bother me though. Ben went back to Seminary and this will be his last year of school. Nine months after he graduates, we will have to pay on his loans as well. We will have to come up with about $600 more each month. We only make $200 more than we need now. It makes me nervous. Ben has put out resumes for pastoral positions but who knows when he will actually land a position. I work extra on the weekends for extra cash but it isn't enough to really make a difference.

With all of that, I still manage to find myself happy. Money is always stressful, even for the rich. I can't have kids yet but kids are all around me. My home isn't all painted yet and in my own way yet but it is home. The things that seemed out of reach, have landed right into my lap.


Jesus' blood never failed me yet, never failed me yet.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
This one thing I know that He loves me so.

Jars of Clay

I am not a people pleaser.

I am so tired of people passing judgment after judgment on me. No matter what I do or say, it is never good enough. SO screw all of you. I don't care if you think I am good enough becasue, damn it, I am good enough. I am good enough for me and for Ben and God too. Don't try to put me down becasue I don't feel satisfied with life until I have my own home and a family. And, don't tell me it isn't going to make me happy becasue it WILL make me happy. I will have a dream of mine that I have dreamed about sense I was a little girl who had no family and no home and nothing nice at all. I deserve to have the dreams I dream. It doesn't make me a selfish person or a greedy person or even less of a "Christian" becasue I want to have these nice things. I have worked hard for what I have. I have been through more theings in my 26 years then most people have in their whole life. Why can't I believe that a house and a family will make me happy? Those of you who have it, doesn't it make you happy? If it doesn't them re-evaluate what is going on becasue I would KILL to have had a roof over my head and someone to call mom and dad. Don't tell me it wont make me happy. It will and then I will be able to start my life. I will have the two things I have ever wanted and then I can help make other people happy. I can and will be happy. I will complete the reason for being on this earth and I will be happy while doing it.