SO... this is what I have been dealing with that last few months. I am looking at life in a positive way and it has made me a better, happier person. I am enjoying life. I look forward to new challenges and am just basically happy. I have a sense of confidence that I have NEVER had before and it is refreshing to know that I will be okay. It does feel little strange. I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be happy. Ben and I moved to this place in July and it is like a house. It is a house but it is connected to other places just like it. It has a upstairs and downstairs. We have a front and back yard. We don't own it. I never really needed that part of having my own home, just as long as I was able to make it my own. I love to decorate adn to have my own home means that I get to make it, or decorate it, as my own. I feel safe here. I feel content without effort. I have one of the things I need. A home of my own to feel safe in.
I also have been thinking about the whole family thing. I work around kids all day five days a week. I have kids. They like me. I am crazy about them. I love watching them learn. I love being the one they learn from. It is a thrill. I love my kids. I feel like a mom without being their mother. I feel content with that right now. I know one day will come when it is not enough. My mothering instinct will get the better of me and I will cry hard about it and move on. That is all I can do.
Our money situation is really starting to bother me though. Ben went back to Seminary and this will be his last year of school. Nine months after he graduates, we will have to pay on his loans as well. We will have to come up with about $600 more each month. We only make $200 more than we need now. It makes me nervous. Ben has put out resumes for pastoral positions but who knows when he will actually land a position. I work extra on the weekends for extra cash but it isn't enough to really make a difference.
With all of that, I still manage to find myself happy. Money is always stressful, even for the rich. I can't have kids yet but kids are all around me. My home isn't all painted yet and in my own way yet but it is home. The things that seemed out of reach, have landed right into my lap.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet, never failed me yet.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
This one thing I know that He loves me so.
Jars of Clay
I also have been thinking about the whole family thing. I work around kids all day five days a week. I have kids. They like me. I am crazy about them. I love watching them learn. I love being the one they learn from. It is a thrill. I love my kids. I feel like a mom without being their mother. I feel content with that right now. I know one day will come when it is not enough. My mothering instinct will get the better of me and I will cry hard about it and move on. That is all I can do.
Our money situation is really starting to bother me though. Ben went back to Seminary and this will be his last year of school. Nine months after he graduates, we will have to pay on his loans as well. We will have to come up with about $600 more each month. We only make $200 more than we need now. It makes me nervous. Ben has put out resumes for pastoral positions but who knows when he will actually land a position. I work extra on the weekends for extra cash but it isn't enough to really make a difference.
With all of that, I still manage to find myself happy. Money is always stressful, even for the rich. I can't have kids yet but kids are all around me. My home isn't all painted yet and in my own way yet but it is home. The things that seemed out of reach, have landed right into my lap.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet, never failed me yet.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
This one thing I know that He loves me so.
Jars of Clay
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