New blog name: Lost, Trapped and Alone

I can't be more pissed off about my life then I am now. I have had a crappy life and I thought that once I got out on my own that I would be able to change all of that. I wanted a better life for myself. Don't get me wrong, it is a lot better then it was but I am still not where I want to be in life. No matter what I do it seems that nothing works. I can't get to where I am going. Everything and everyone is holding me back. I can't do anything. I am stuck here in middle America and can't leave. I am maritally bound to this hell hole. I can't escape. I have to be a pastor's wife. everyone will be watching every move I make and how I raise my kids. IF anyone knows me, knows that I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't want people watching me. I don't care what people think of me either. I just don't want anyone watching me and making comments. I am not a freaking T.V. show. I just want to live my life. Ben says he will give up being a pastor just so that I don't feel like this but I know him. He wont give it up. He will make the same lame empty promises that are always made and I will end up still feeling this way. I will always feel this way. I know what people will say too. "Just give it a chance." I have given it my all. My whole life is given. When is it my turn for someone to make a sacrifice for? Who is going to think I am worth something to give something up for? I am so sick of all of this. I can't take any of it anymore. I'm done. It's finished. I am going to live my life and I am going to enjoy it. I am tired of giving to everyone else and not getting anything back. I am tired of everything. I am tired of this life. I am tired of where i live. I am tired of my friends here. I'm done. No one cares about me. Time to look out for me. Time to give to myself and stop waiting for someone else to care about me. I've been here the whole time. Why hasn't anyone noticed me? What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn't anyone care about me? When will this torture end? This sucks. I know that I was made to help others but I can't do that all of the time. I need to enjoy things too. I can't care about others if the same isn't returned. I only have so much medicine. When is it my turn to be happy? When do I get to have my dreams come true?