Hate, Anger and LOVE

So....

2010-06-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to think about things anymore. Life is funny. You really never do know what you are going to get. I have gone for a while now thinking I have things figured out and that I know what I am doing. I thought that the choices I have made were good and that I was were I needed to be in life and that I didn't need to worry about anything anymore. I have never been so wrong. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I feel so lost. The things I have done are now seeming to be the worst things I could have ever done. I feel I should have stuck to my original plans in the first place. I was a smart kid and knew what I wanted. What I wanted when I was a kid was in my heart. I have always felt that a child's heart is the most pure thing in the world. You can trust it's purity. You know that is it right and that is what I should have thought about a long time ago. I would be so much happier now. I guess I will never know. I am stuck here in the mess I have created and I can't go back. It's done. I have completed the transaction and there are no returns in life.

New blog name: Lost, Trapped and Alone

2010-04-28T15:34:00.001-07:00

I can't be more pissed off about my life then I am now. I have had a crappy life and I thought that once I got out on my own that I would be able to change all of that. I wanted a better life for myself. Don't get me wrong, it is a lot better then it was but I am still not where I want to be in life. No matter what I do it seems that nothing works. I can't get to where I am going. Everything and everyone is holding me back. I can't do anything. I am stuck here in middle America and can't leave. I am maritally bound to this hell hole. I can't escape. I have to be a pastor's wife. everyone will be watching every move I make and how I raise my kids. IF anyone knows me, knows that I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't want people watching me. I don't care what people think of me either. I just don't want anyone watching me and making comments. I am not a freaking T.V. show. I just want to live my life. Ben says he will give up being a pastor just so that I don't feel like this but I know him. He wont give it up. He will make the same lame empty promises that are always made and I will end up still feeling this way. I will always feel this way. I know what people will say too. "Just give it a chance." I have given it my all. My whole life is given. When is it my turn for someone to make a sacrifice for? Who is going to think I am worth something to give something up for? I am so sick of all of this. I can't take any of it anymore. I'm done. It's finished. I am going to live my life and I am going to enjoy it. I am tired of giving to everyone else and not getting anything back. I am tired of everything. I am tired of this life. I am tired of where i live. I am tired of my friends here. I'm done. No one cares about me. Time to look out for me. Time to give to myself and stop waiting for someone else to care about me. I've been here the whole time. Why hasn't anyone noticed me? What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn't anyone care about me? When will this torture end? This sucks. I know that I was made to help others but I can't do that all of the time. I need to enjoy things too. I can't care about others if the same isn't returned. I only have so much medicine. When is it my turn to be happy? When do I get to have my dreams come true?

My determination

2010-01-22T17:12:00.000-08:00

So I am going to the KU Edwards campus in the morning to see about my application and get a ton of information. I am so excited but totally scared too. I don't really want to go back to school but I still love the idea of learning about being a social worker and then starting the career. I am somewhat scared that I wont be able to do it. I want so bad to start and finish strong. I am very determined and this will be nothing like MidAmerica. I will actually want to do this. I have confidence but my fears are beginning to over power that confidence. Basically, right now I am just ignoring them and finding faith in my confidence and in God. I know that this is something I can do and I know that with God's will in the way, my fears will have no chance at getting the better of me. Wish me luck. I am going to become and adult.

I figured it out!

2009-10-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I have been stressing out about what I should do with my life. I thought I knew but then it turned out that being a youth pastor wasn't right for me. That wasn't where my heart was comfortable. I knew that foster care was always an option but now I know that I don't think I could handle it. It would break my heart having to send the kids home to people I know don't love them the way they need to be loved. After going through PVL, I thought that I really should be a theropist. I wanted to help kids and their families. That never felt right either. I considered just being a mom. That made me feel too much like my mom, letting the man take care of me and that is not in my personallity at all. I am an independent woman and I really desire to contribute to society. I started feeling depressed again. I knew I wanted to do somehting but I couldn't "feel" anything. I made a pro con list and nothing fit. I talked to Ben about going to see a career counselor but then I got the idea to look for something online that would help push me in the right direction. I found this website that offeres a real career test. It helps identify your strengths and gives you teh possibilities of what you would be best suited for.After about an hour of taking this test, I got my results. It gave me three options and the first two where out of the question. I never could do them. One was working in health care and the other a teacher. The last one caught my eye though. I visited this option once but dismissed it really fast. I don't know why but I did. The results gave a very convincing argument as to why I should be this, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt like God was saying, "This is your gift to teh world." That is how I came to the conclusion that I am going to be a social worker. It fits right? After telling several close friends of this, they confirmed that they think it would be a really great thing I could do with my life. I have so many dreams with this too. I want to write laws to better protect foster kids rights and harsher laws for the parents. I want to be a voice to those who do not have one. I want to change the world one stuck person at a time. I am so excited about this. I can't even wait. It couldn't have come at a better time then this. I am really hating my job now. It isn't the same for some reason. I have started to dred going to work it makes it really hard on me. I now have something to look forward to and to work on. Feed back would be great. I would love to hear as to waht you all think about this step in my life. I value your opinions.

2009-10-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

I feel so lost lately. I have no idea what I should with my life. I am torn between feeling like I have to have a career and feeling like i can do what ever I want to do. I don't really understand my own feelings. I do, however, have FULL CONFIDENCE in the fact that I need to help people. I have considered several different career paths that have something to do with helping people in some way. I really have no idea. Ben and I have been talking about having me go to a career counselor. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have gone to counseling before and not been helped at all and I don't know how it would even help me. Although, I did think that Break Through wasn't going to help me at all and I am better now then I ever have been in my whole life. I feel good to be who I am and my past no longer defines who I am but that doesn't help with what I should do with my life. I feel lost. I know that the answers are right there but I just can't see them. It is like there is this black spot over my future. Even as Ben finishes Seminary, I can't see beyond that. I am actually worrying again and that isn't good for me. I haven't been sleeping and I know it is because I am stressed over what I will do with my life. That isn't good. I don't function well on little to no sleep . I need it to live. :0) I don't know. That is just what I am feeling right now. If anyone reads this and has suggestions, please leave it as a comment. I can use all the help I can get.

A positve life ahead... what?

2009-10-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

SO... this is what I have been dealing with that last few months. I am looking at life in a positive way and it has made me a better, happier person. I am enjoying life. I look forward to new challenges and am just basically happy. I have a sense of confidence that I have NEVER had before and it is refreshing to know that I will be okay. It does feel little strange. I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be happy. Ben and I moved to this place in July and it is like a house. It is a house but it is connected to other places just like it. It has a upstairs and downstairs. We have a front and back yard. We don't own it. I never really needed that part of having my own home, just as long as I was able to make it my own. I love to decorate adn to have my own home means that I get to make it, or decorate it, as my own. I feel safe here. I feel content without effort. I have one of the things I need. A home of my own to feel safe in.

I also have been thinking about the whole family thing. I work around kids all day five days a week. I have kids. They like me. I am crazy about them. I love watching them learn. I love being the one they learn from. It is a thrill. I love my kids. I feel like a mom without being their mother. I feel content with that right now. I know one day will come when it is not enough. My mothering instinct will get the better of me and I will cry hard about it and move on. That is all I can do.

Our money situation is really starting to bother me though. Ben went back to Seminary and this will be his last year of school. Nine months after he graduates, we will have to pay on his loans as well. We will have to come up with about $600 more each month. We only make $200 more than we need now. It makes me nervous. Ben has put out resumes for pastoral positions but who knows when he will actually land a position. I work extra on the weekends for extra cash but it isn't enough to really make a difference.

With all of that, I still manage to find myself happy. Money is always stressful, even for the rich. I can't have kids yet but kids are all around me. My home isn't all painted yet and in my own way yet but it is home. The things that seemed out of reach, have landed right into my lap.

Jesus' blood never failed me yet, never failed me yet.
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
This one thing I know that He loves me so.

Jars of Clay

I am not a people pleaser.

2009-04-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of people passing judgment after judgment on me. No matter what I do or say, it is never good enough. SO screw all of you. I don't care if you think I am good enough becasue, damn it, I am good enough. I am good enough for me and for Ben and God too. Don't try to put me down becasue I don't feel satisfied with life until I have my own home and a family. And, don't tell me it isn't going to make me happy becasue it WILL make me happy. I will have a dream of mine that I have dreamed about sense I was a little girl who had no family and no home and nothing nice at all. I deserve to have the dreams I dream. It doesn't make me a selfish person or a greedy person or even less of a "Christian" becasue I want to have these nice things. I have worked hard for what I have. I have been through more theings in my 26 years then most people have in their whole life. Why can't I believe that a house and a family will make me happy? Those of you who have it, doesn't it make you happy? If it doesn't them re-evaluate what is going on becasue I would KILL to have had a roof over my head and someone to call mom and dad. Don't tell me it wont make me happy. It will and then I will be able to start my life. I will have the two things I have ever wanted and then I can help make other people happy. I can and will be happy. I will complete the reason for being on this earth and I will be happy while doing it.

My Spring Break!

2009-03-22T18:44:00.001-07:00

I had a very relaxing Spring Break. It was good. I was bumbed that we didn't get to go any where but as the days went by, I became more and more glad we didn't go. Ben and I did so much. Our tax money came in at just the right time. We went to Lawrence TWICE and we went to the zoo and I got to go shopping. How fun is that? Anywho, things have been looking up lately. I was just thinking that other day that I actually feel happy now. I thought I felt happy before after BT but then I realized that I had been that happy before. NOW I AM HAPPY. I think I finally understand when people say something feels foreign because I have never felt like this before and it IS foreign to me. I feel that the road that Ben and I are going to go down will be awesome and that things are good now. I have found myself thinking that I wouldn't change anything about today. I am enjoying life and finding freedom in knowing that kind of freedom. It feels weird but awesome at the same time.

This is how I really feel.

2009-02-13T16:50:00.000-08:00

I have been through a lot right? I never had a steady home. I didn't have a mom to call "Mom" until just now. I have been abused in every way imaginable which causes me to feel incredibly unloved even by my own husband no matter how much I know he loves me I still am waiting for something to happen. I can't have kids of my own. I can't afford to adopt. I can't afford to have a home of our own. I don't know what I should do with my life. I feel completely lost and second guess myself all the time. Example: I love my job but I wonder if I really love it or if it is just something I know will earn love from Rhonda and not lose her as my mother if I stay with it. We just did our taxes and it will yield enough money in return so we can go to Disney Land but I still don't believe it because I am ALWAYS disappointing in every way.

I AM A GOOD PERSON DAMN IT!! Why are other people in the world getting to do these things in their life that I want to do and I am still sitting here living through my dreams? When is it my turn? Why do I feel like I am always working towards something but still hit the wall? I feel as though I am a bird who sees another bird in a mirror and just keep flying into it believing that I will get to it. I want the bird and I feel as though I deserve it. I have been dealt the hand of life and I am ready to use it but the rules are always against me.

2009-01-30T18:26:00.001-08:00

Hope for the new year

2008-12-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

I am wanting to take action to make myself feel better about myself. I have started yoga and it is great. I will be getting a membership soon as well. I will stop drinking soda which is going to be the hardest thing. I am trying a new acne medication to clear up my face. I am getting a new job. I am taking over our money so that things are more organized and we are BOTH on the same page as to where our money is going. I am still working on what I really want to do with my life. I have so much doubt about myself. I have "worked" so long that I really don't want to work but I will anyway because I don't want it all to fall on Ben's shoulder. I am going to try to read more as well. I don't read nearly as much as I would like to. As for everything else in my life, I am just going to let happen what ever happens. I am giving up control over things I know I have no control over in the first place. I am going to mentally work my way out of depression and I want to stop obsessing over my confusion. I have hope for my future but it is going to take time. I want to take the bad things in my life and work it like a snow ball effect. I will take care of everything but I am starting with the small things. Things I really look forward to doing. Please help and pray to keep me accountable. I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT NOW AND I WANT THEM TO END!!! I desire to be happy and free to be who I am with no shame and without judgement from anyone else. I don't care if you don't like me. I am not here to please you I am hear to please God and that is it. In please God, there can be nothing wrong. I desire to be Abba's child and I will be and there is where I intend to stay.

It

2008-11-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

Freedom is hard to grasp in this place
It can only be found in outer space
Why can't it be free like it was meant to be
I feel I'm getting nowhere in monopoly

I feel this is too hard, I'm in the dark
Like climbing up a tree and it's hard bark
Will I obtain it
Can I retain it

It's holding me
When will I be free
Can I forgive it
Consumption by it

I wish to find peace
I need a new puzzle piece
Losing my mind
When will I find

Lost the tools given today
Gave into Satan this day
Lies pervert my soul
Wish I remembered what I was told

It's holding me
When will I be free
Can I forgive it
Consumption by it

New thoughts

2008-09-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling a stirring in me soul lately. I have always wanted to be an interior designer. I always will wont to be on but I have always wanted to help people too. I feel for people. I feel I am worth spending money on and having the things I want so I do things for my self but I still really want to help others help themselves.

For about three months now, I have been having dreams of myself in a place that is scary for me to venture into. I don't seem like i know what I am doing but I feel I am doing the right things every time I wake up. I have been just pushing it away thinking it is just something that I am dreaming about and that is it. Then it hit me....I tend to dream about my desires and my fears. I really do. I see myself in the situations that I have experienced, sometimes I handle them in different ways but they are generally the same. When I was 13 and accepted Christ in my life, I also recieved a calling. I felt as thought God had been waiting for me my whole life to accept Him so that He could give me this important duty. Something that only I can do. When I felt it, I knew what He was asking me to do and of course I said "YES!!!"

During my Sophomore year of college, I felt as thought this calling wasn't right for me. I felt as though God made a mistake or I just wasn't listening to the right voice. It was a time in my life that I wasn't the Christian I once was and my self esteem was going way down. I didn't even believe that Ben was going to go through with marrying me. "Why would he marry some ugly, piece of trash like me?" I planned our wedding anyway and he obviously went through with it.

Well now having gone through Break Through, I have a healthy self esteem and feel a little better about what I know I can and can't do. I am will to take risks. I am willing to actually do what I planned on doing in the first place.I am still going to do Interior Design but I am also going to do Youth Ministry. I miss it. I miss seeing the light bulbs turning on and watching teenagers grow and becoming whole beings. And hey, I have the degree already so it shouldn't be hard to get back into it. I should be able to get back into it. I am going to try this week to talk to one of my professors to help me figure out what steps I should take. I am scared and excited all at once but I really feel it is time and I feel that this is something that I can do with God's help. Please pray for me as I head into this difficult path of the unknown.

Life

2008-07-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

You know what is funny? As you can see from my other blogs, I grew up poor. I never really knew my father and my mother... well is basically good for nothing. So when I am going through life, I understand that none of that is my fault but some reason it keeps coming back to me that way. I work hard. I try to be the best I can be and I understand that things are not easy. I am an average girl. I have a collage degree and I am married to a wonderful man who actually loves me unconditionally. So, a girl with all this knowledge and understanding of one's self and the world around her, how is it so hard to life a good life? I work hard at whatever I do and I try to be the best I can be and it is never good enough for the world. I can't do anything right it seems. I want to have a good job so that I can actually have a better life than I did before. I don't want fancy things or expensive crap, just actual clothes on my back and more then one pare of underwear. I want a home to sleep in and food to eat. Is that too much to ask? I wouldn't think so but yet I find myself in such a misplaced place. I should be one place but it isn't where I belong. I feel I was destined to be on the street, fighting for my life. Why can't people give a helping hand when one needs it so desperately?I need a job that will pay me according to my labor and will not depress me to the point of suicide. I need a life that is better then what I have now that will allow me to be me. Why can't we all have that? Why can't we all be on equal ground? Why can't people get a break?

The Real Deal

2008-04-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation yesterday with Ben's older sister Aimee. You know what she said... she said she was glad I felt like I did. Big huge slap in the face was my first thought but then as she explained I began to realize why. One thing that she said that really hit me hard was that a lady recently told her that it is impossible for a child to be a prostitute, it is impossible for a child to be a whore. I never thought of it that way before and I did feel like I was those two things. I didn't feel like I could even tell people that those things had happened to me because I knew they would think I was a whore. I was so thankful to hear those words.

Then she helped me realize that the person I am and the emotions I am experiencing is the real me and the reason I was having such a hard time with it is because I never deal with the situation this way before. All of this is new for me and it is a good thing that I am experiencing it this way because this is the real me. I wasn't angry at my mom or dad or brother. I was really angry at God. I never noticed this before but I was told that God can take it if I am mad at Him but I shouldn't be mad at Him, I should be mad at the people who wronged me. That isn't the case for me. God allowed those people to have that free will over me and He allowed me to go through it so I have every right to be mad at God and at those who hurt me.

I have figured out how to be angry for and not angry at now as well. I wish, instead of being angry, that these things would not have happened and I wish that someone could have helped but I know that it is the past and there really wasn't anything anyone could have done. I see the brighter picture and I think that tonight as I was thinking about this and how it has changed my point of view, that I can finally go into those situations in my life where I have been hurt and can take BOTH the hand of my little girl and the the hand of Jesus. I have forgiven God for allowing me to deal with these things in my life. And yes, I said I forgave God. I see it that sometimes even God needs forgiveness from the hurt that He HAS to allow happen in people's lives. Think what you may but that is how I see it. He says He is sorry for having to allow it and I forgave.

I am forgiven and I am pure and I am a free woman who loves who I am just the way I am.

Pissed off to the max

2008-04-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

I hate my mom and my oldest brother. My mom way suppose to take care of me and love me and want to encourage me to be a better person. My brother was suppose to be a brother. Love me and watch out for me and protect me. That's what is suppose to happen. I am not suppose to be 25 and still dealing with the hurt and pain that my so called family did to me. I want to be happy. I don't want to make love to my husband and have a trigger be set of when I was touched by another man or even my brother. Who wants to make love to their husband and think of their brother? Not me. Who wants to wants to go through life knowing that you'll never have a relationship with your parents? Not me. Who does that to their kids? Stupid selfish people that's who. People who have no idea that what they do and say has the biggest affect on people because they are suppose to be entrusted to them with their lives. So what's next for me? What am I suppose to do with the hurt and the pain and the visuals and the "feelings" that come my way everyday. I can't escape them. They are always there. I need to know who I am suppose to go another day living in a world where people like my mom and brother live free lives, never regreting what they did to an innocent harmless child. What am I to do now?

Good news!

2008-04-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

I don't have to clean anything but my house ever again. I recently got a job with Combined Insurance. I am an Insurance Agent. I have a job that I love and I know I can go places with. I love every moment of it. That's it. Just thought I would update. Peace :0)

The new me

2008-03-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am freaken HOTT!!!! I recently went through a program that Heart Connexion Ministries provides and I am please to announce that I love who I am. I know who I am and I know what I want to do. I have a clear view of everything now. I recommend to anyone to go through Break Through and find yourself. All I have to say is that I was a dandelion in the field of shame and sorrow and now I am a rose among joy and peace.

Things that piss me off!!!!

2008-02-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

The other day I was driving to work in my Suzuki Forenza. A small car that does the job we need it to do in the way we need it to do it. It didn't cost us that much and we already have it paid off because we manage our money in such a way that we can pay things like that off in a short amount of time. I am at about 127th and Black Bob Rd. and I'm in the turn lane to turn to go to work and guess what stops next to me, an Escalde. BIG, shinny, and black. Nice huh. Well as it pulls forward some to make it's stop, I notice the plate. It says a very comforting, "TRUSTGOD." Aww how sweet I thought at first but then I thought how lame. This jerk is in a huge ass SUV that is way more expensive then any other SUV but they have the balls to put something like that on their plate. Did you know that if you have a normal size closet in your home, not a walk in but a normal, small closet, that you are richer then almost like 70% of the world. This stupid Christian decides to tell the world to trust God in this thing that is bigger then a closet and more then what is necessary to live with and we are suppose to believe that crap? Believe that God is so wonderful that He wants us to have big lavish things. Aren't we CALLED to provide for the homeless and the hungry, the widow and orphan while driving around in something that is bigger then most poor people's home. Oh wait I'm sorry NO.

We want the world to believe that we are so Christ like yet we are driving around in something that I didn't even have a chance to sleep in while I was a kid even though there are millions of poor people around the world and people dying of hunger and dying of AIDS and all sorts of other things while we sit in our lovely homes and drive our big fancy cars because we trust God. We are in God's country here in the US aren't we? We deserve that don't we? After all, the thousands of NATIVE American's that died so we could have this so called freedom would say so don't you think? Wrong!!! We are no more a Christian then Satan himself if we are not paying attention to what we do and how we act and how we spend out time and our money. People look at your check book. Look at the most expensive thing you bought and think about what else that could have bought for either yourself or someone who really needed it. Look at your credit card statement and look at the debt you owe and think of what else you could have spent the debt you owe on. Think people think.

Psalm 91

2008-01-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God in Him I will trust.
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day.
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look, and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the most High, your dwelling place. 10 No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling.
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands, they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and cobra, the young lion and the serpent you shall trample under foot.
14 "Because he has sent his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation."

The Gideon Bible

Praise from an odd place

2008-01-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

SO I wrote about how I hated my job and how I didn't feel like I was living any kind of a real life of my own and things like that in my blog. Well .... God got through. I don't do devotions. I haven't done them in such a long time that I don't think I can even really remember the last one I did on my own. Without doing this, I don't feel like I have been able to really listen to God and all the wonderful wisdom He has to give.

I didn't get to go to church today because I had to work but I did run by Joel Osteen on T.V. I know, he isn't always the best person to listen to but tonight he was perfect for me and in the middle of God's plan. His title was Becoming the Overcomer, I think, and I only caught the last ten mins. of it but it was so powerful I just began weeping. Weeping from Mr. Osteen is not a regular thing for me. It is usually a time of real thought about what I believe because sometimes he has some off the wall ideas and I really only like to watch him because I can't find another decent preacher on T.V. He was talking about the Rack, Shack and Bennie story. Those who have seen Veggie Tales know the story of the chocolate bunny. :0) Well, this was said in a way that I never really heard clearly before and I do believe that God was at work. I have heard this story so many times that I think I have become numb to it. I don't know what the beginning points were but the last one was about even though the furnace seems to be getting hotter and hotter, God always shows us the the other side. The side where He knows what is best for us and promises us that if we trust Him we can overcome anything. To my surprise, I just became overwhelmed with a flood of emotions and realized that I need to wake up every morning and be thankful that I have a job and not that I don't like because there are so many people out there who do not have jobs and don't have a chance to get new shoes when they want them or a spoon rest for their stove. I have all of those things because I am trusting God to do with my life what He wants and dang it I am just going to let Him. I have food in my frig and clothes in my closet and a job and a wonderful husband and so many things that I can't even begin to fathom all the things I have in my life and the funny things is , I really don't deserve them. I complain all the time and look at what I have. Look at what I have become. I am a freaken collage graduate. I have practically raised myself and I have fought relentlessly through all of it. Yes, and I am not afraid to admit this, I deserve to have good things to happen to me. All the things from my past has granted me the right to have it but if I am going to be this horrible ungrateful brat then, no, I don't deserve it. I deserve to be left all alone on the street with nothing to eat and not companion to keep me company. I don't deserve a thing. How dare I be like that. How dare I slap God in the face. He has given me everything I have ever needed and I am just telling Him that it's not good enough. What a horrible person I have become. Pray that I am healed of such selfish desire and ungrateful behavior. Pray that I one day become a better person then I have turned out to be in these almost 25 years.

My adult life

2008-01-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

I would have to say that so far as I am living this new life of mine that it is a good one. I am married to the best man anyone could ever ask for. He loves me like NO ONE ever has before. It is the most incredible unconditional love that I would think he was Jesus himself. Ben is at the top of my Jesus list. He has shown me more love then I ever could have known before in my life.

I do have one problem.... I am not really living my life yet. I have put everything on hold. I feel like I really don't have anything of my own. I don't have a ministry other then I love to feed people but we don't have a lot of money so that never happens. I HATE my job with an utmost passion. Who wants to spend five years at a University to do something with your life, to only turn out to be a custodian?I have to clean poop and, being the youngest person there, I have to put up with all the rough and tough stuff there is to do there at night. My lead custodian is helpful and really is the best out of all of us but with him working in the day and me at night, I feel like all the pressure comes down on me because I work with three other older woman. That's right, older woman. What kind of job is that for someone like me who has worked, and excuse my French, my ASS off to be someone better then anyone in my ENTIRE family. I have worked dang hard. I deserve something better in my life. If you have read any of the other entries I have on here, you will see that I have paid my dues and I want what I deserve. I have literally been working from age five till now and I am sorry but I am ready for retirement. I want to do things in my life that I enjoy for once. I want to be something and so something important. I feel so depressed. Honestly, I feel more depressed right now then I was when I had to tell Ben I thought is was too dangerous for me to have a baby. To tell your husband whom you love with an inner most love that will never been given to another that you can't give him a child is one of the most gut wrenching situations I have ever experienced. More then almost suffocating to death from pulmonary embolisms (which is why I can't have kids). I love Ben so much that I would give my life to give him a child but I know that he would be crushed if that happened so we are going to buy our kids instead. Which is a good thing because kids don't get adopted as often as babies do.

So what is a girl like me suppose to do? Ben has two and a half years until he is done with school and then we can move to California but the process to adopt can take time and so can the certification process take time. How do I get out of this depression? How do I become happy and likable to myself and others again. How to I get back into the loving devoted relationship I had with God again? How do I become who I use to be? What will it take? Who will I lose in the process? These questions have been on my heart for so long now that I can't figure out the answers to any one of them. I want to be happy again. I want to be alive again. I feel so empty inside that I can't know how I feel well enough to even communicate that to Ben so that we can be a team. He feels helpless, I see it in his actions, and I am at a loss for words. I am fighting for my life here. I want to be a happy person again. I don't want to be angry and hateful anymore. I want to be who I once was. I want to be a person again.

The start of my life as I know it.

2008-01-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

I left the Hauser's house after a big fight over undone dishes and set out to what became my new life. Life on my own was hard. It made me realize what I had while living with the Hausers and made me what to go back to them but I couldn't. I didn't feel like they wanted me back. That Christmas break of my Senior year of high school I packed my stuff and moved out. I walked for a long time trying to think of where I was going to go. It was cold and I needed a place to at least stay for the night. I didn't know what to do. I cried and cried that day not knowing what I should do with my self and not feeling like I had anyone to turn to. That memory is so fresh in my head that I am crying right now just thinking about it. You don't know what it is like to realize you have no one until you actually don't. My mother hated me and I hadn't seen my dad for so long so I know he wasn't anyone I could turn to. The only family I really knew of was several stats away and I knew they wouldn't want some runaway loser living with them. It was getting late and I had to find a place for the night. I had walked all over San Leandro thinking and wondering what I should do. What would you do if you had no one and the only hope of survival was to just sleep out on the street at 17 years old and one semester left of high school?

I began making friends when I was in seventh grade. Megan was my first friend at Corvallis Elementary. I went to class that day not really wanting to go. Just the year before I spent to whole year being called cat girl because I had flees all over me because I lived on the street for most of that year. I never really had friends. Tacara and April oh and Meece were my friends in first and second grade. That's when I lived with my Grandma. From third to sixth grade I never had one friend. Living on the street really hurts in more ways than one. By seventh grade I had two really good friends. They were the best of friends to me. I will always remember them and add them to my Jesus list (people who have been Jesus to me in my life). Megan and Jenny were so unconditional. I didn't tell them that I was in foster care for about a month I think. I couldn't. I thought they might make fun of me. When I finally did they just asked questions about why and what foster care was, they were almost in awe of me instead of being weirded out by me. That was good because I knew I was going to be at the Hauser's from a long time and I didn't want to spend it being made fun of all the time.

Friends were really important to me. They were my family, they just didn't know it. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had made a lot of friends. One in particular was Jaime, She was in foster care too and we went through ILSP together. She was my best friend my whole Senior year. I knew of her before that year but I never really met her until then. Little did she know that I was going to one day live with her. The day I left the Hauser home, I moved in with Jaime. I was out of there by the time I graduated. Her foster parents were moving so I had to go. I moved in with my friend heather from Church for about three months and then I got kicked out of that home for a reason that I have no idea of but I must have done something. I moved in with my friend Hollie who I loved so dearly. She was so accepting and caring that none of my worries were there anymore. Until one day when her mom tells us (me, Hollie and her brother Brian) that she needed to move because she couldn't afford to live in that house anymore. So then again I was homeless. From the time I was 17 in January of 2001 until November of 2001, I was in three different homes and still didn't have a place of my own. Ring Ring Ring I got a call that saved my LIFE. My former youth leaders from my church who had moved when I was a Junior from California to Washington state to Missouri had called to say that they felt like God was wanting them to take me in. What a Savior. Seriously, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't get that call. I would have lived on the street all by myself or I would have had to go back to the Hauser's. I didn't want to do that because then I would have had to say, "You were right" to Gerry and that meant that I would never be able to live that down. So I was saved. I lived there for 8 months and then started school at MidAmerica Nazarene University Fall of 2002 were I met and fell in love with the most wonderful man in the world, got married, graduated and here I am. I will turn 25 in March and have lived more lives then anyone in the history of the world. I really need to be put in the world records book or something. :0)

The Hausers

2007-12-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

Life was horrible by the time I entered the Hauser's home. I was angry at everyone and everything. I hated everything and everyone as well. It may have seemed like I was this sweet innocent girl but I really wasn't. I was battling a huge war in my soul and I didn't know how to handle it. I really, really didn't. To have a mother who didn't love me and a father who didn't even want to look at me and one brother who only ever violated me and then another brother who started out as a good friend then later turn into a physical beast, I had no idea what to do. I was alone.

I knew of God from the little things my mom forced on me. I always liked God and trusted Him to at least listen. When I was ten until I was about twelve, I would talk to God every night before I went to bed. I didn't understand that He knew what had happened to me each day so I told Him every night. I was so faithful when I was a kid. I never missed a night. I would tell Him about the fights I had been in and that I was sorry that I fought (that's how I stopped fighting). I would tell Him about the things I desired and really needed. I asked every night to let me go back to my mom. I didn't know why but I did. God was the only one who listened to me at the time. I didn't have social worker at the time who would listen or a mother or a friend. Just God. I didn't even know Him. I just believed He was there. That is was I will always hold onto. He will never leave me. He is always there.

I was kind to the Hausers at first. They were so nice to me too. I actually started trusting my foster dad. Guys and I were not a good mix at the time so to get close to one was really new and finally good. I liked him. He talked to me. He listened to me. He was my first Jesus in my life. I got older and as a teenager I wanted to do things on my own. I really wanted to be the adult I actually had been my whole life. I never knew what it was like to be a kid so I didn't have any reason to go back to being a kid. I knew life and all it's glory. I had lived two life times by the time I was ten and knew what I needed to do. I was an adult. I wanted to be treated like one too but the Hausers were not ok with treating me that way. They saw me as a teenager and treated me as such. I felt I did regress a little. I became more and more like my age everyday. I was normalizing (if that's a word). Well, I was as normal as I could be being a foster child and all.

When I first visited with the Hausers, I thought that they were going to be like grandparents to me because they are an older couple so I felt that that was the way I could expect to be treated. They were nothing like that at all. They were my parents. The nice thing is that they let me call them mom and dad. I never had that before. It was weird and wonderful at the same time.

The fighting started not long after I moved in. I was a teenager and they were my parents and we acted at though. I didn't fight with my foster dad that much. My foster mom was another thing.We fought all the time. It was over little things too. Never anything big. Normal things. I didn't like doing dished and still don't but that was one of the many things we argued about.

Over all at the time I thought that the time I spent there was horrible. Now as an adult I look back at it and see that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never would have gone to church and actually met God for once. I never would have gone to college. I had it made there. It is all thanks to the Hausers. I never would have been the woman I am today if it wasn't for them. The time I spent there, from age 12 to 17, was the best times. I had a family for once and thaqt made it all worth the fighting and rebellion that went on. I am so thankful so them. I am a normal human being now not a former foster child. I became a whole person.

Back to the foster homes for me.

2007-12-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

OK... so my last blog was sad. Really, it was angry. I took some time to recover and now I am better. So here we go again. When I moved out of my grandma's place, I was about 7 and a half. I remember because it was the a few months later that I didn't have a birthday present. I didn't get a birthday present again until I turned 12. Christmas was fun too. no presents except pancakes and canned milk. Peanut Butter on the pancakes instead of the syrup. Sometimes we got butter. One year we got bacon but we got sick because it was old bacon so my mom got a present... puke. HAHA sweet revenge. School was hard like I said. I got into a lot of fights and and I missed school all of the time because I would fake illness so I wouldn't have go to school. I have no idea how I passed two and a half grades.

When I was 11, my mom found a friend in a lady who would give me the greatest gift of all to me and then later take it away. Her name was Vikki Gonzalez. She made it possible for my mom to have a small job and to take my brother James and I into her home. Her two sons were not happy about it ad they took out their anger on me and James. Physically for James and emotionally on me. Not long after I had my 12th birthday with my very own party for the first time, Vikki did something I will never forget. She took in my grandma. We made the long drive to my grandma's place to pick her up and pack her stuff to bring her HOME! I could not have asked for a better gift. It wasn't even a gift. Vikki just knew that my grandma needed help and so she took her in.

Two years went by. Thing's with Vikki's Son's got worse. Vikki's second husband left her and James was getting really mad. James got so mad one day that he kicked the crap out of Vikki's oldest son Tony. The fight was broken up and the day went on. The next day went on and I came home from school to one of Vikki''s cop friends waiting for us. He told Vikki that James had said that she was beating us and the other two foster kids (she took in two more after she took me, James and my Grandma in) and said that he had to take all us kids out of the house and into foster homes. She got made and actually took it out on me. Odd huh. I was used to this because my mom blamed me for everything before. I was the cause of every problem in her life so why not Vikki's too. We packed our things and went back to the foster home that we were at before we went to Vikki's. Well, Vikki had become friends with this lady, Ms. Willis. An awful woman. she was a larger woman and she thought that if she can eat it then so could you so she would fill our plate to the brim like she did for herself. I was a little girl and no where ready to eat food in that mass. Anyway, her and Vikki talked all the time. Vikki would tell her all the bad stuff that I did while I was living with her and not once did she say anything bad about James even though he was the one who told on her.

Ms. Willis had these tow boys who she just spoiled to death. They never did anything wrong. So when I started telling on them that they were hurting me physically, she just laughed. So I took matters into my own hands. I beat the living daylights out of those two one day. no one was going to stop me either. I had had enough and I wanted everyone to know it. I hit each one of them so much that there was blood coming out of places I didn't even know I had touched. Her oldest son was my age and the other was only four but I didn't care. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me again.

That day, a social worker came out. The only one who ever heard me and believed me. Jennifer knew that her boys did things like that and so she didn't really pay any attention to Ms. Willis' crying about how I "beat the shit out her babies." Jennifer moved me to a house in Castro Valley and there I started meeting the good foster parents. Ms. Ambers was so kind. She actually gave me money. I got five dollars every week. I felt like her daughter instead of a foster child. Well, she was only a emergency foster mom so I couldn't stay there even though I really liked it there and started the 7th grade already and made friends. I had to go somewhere else.

The day I met the Hausers was the best day of my life. They didn't seem like foster parents. They felt like family. When I stayed the weekend there, I felt like I was a home. I had my first nights of sleep without a bad dream. I felt comfortable and safe. I hadn't felt that in a long time. I had a sister too. Well, not just one sister but a ton of them. I had a family again. Sisters were something I hadn't ever really experienced before. I've only ever known my brothers. My brothers weren't that great. James wasn't so bad. He had a temper that was more like a time bomb then anything else but Clyde is another story. He acted like a father and not a brother. He was also the one who molested me from the time I was 5 to the time I turned 10. I have never been close to him. I never have been able to trust him. The day Clyde stopped was the day James kicked the crap out him when he found him in the act. I'll never forget that night. He was the answer to the ending of all of that and I never knew it.

Sisters was a whole new era in my life. Brothers are there to protect and find security in but sisters are there when you have sex for the first time and you want to tell them about it first before you tell anyone else. They are there for all the emotional drama that happens. They are there to learn from and to teach as well. They are the only ones you can turn to when you have a bad day. Moms can be the same way but it is more secure with a sister. I think it is anyway. I couldn't live without my sisters. Not one of them are biological to me but there still is a bond that can't be broken. A bond that is even stronger then those between friends. I would like to send a shout out to my sisters: Jacque, Cindy, Glenna, Sandy, Tina, and Whitney just for all the crap we have gone through and the secrets that will never be spoken of and for the friendship that we all share. It is a blessing to me in more ways then can be said. Now that I am married I have even more sisters to add to the list. Lori, Aimee and Kimberly are all just as special to me and I know that we have grown just as close as all my other sisters and I have. Thank you to all my sisters who have been there for me.

Well it is late and this is a good note to end on. I'll finish this tomorrow after I have had some sleep.

Grandma Time

2007-11-30T23:15:00.000-08:00

I met my Grandma when I think I was about five years old. She was so short. I remember seeing her and thinking she was my not much older than me but with white hair. She came into the group home with my mom and I felt like I knew her my whole life. I ran to her and hugged her for the longest time. I loved my Grandma. She meant the world to me. She was the only person in the whole world who read me a story sometimes before I went to bed. She would brush my hair at night and braid it before I went to bed so it wouldn't tangle over night. She never did it in a gentle way but I didn't care. She always smelled like baby powder. She had this big powder thing and she would pat me with it right after every bath. I loved the smell. She let me sit on her lap and we would watch Wheel of Fortune and I would help her figure out the puzzles.

When I started first grade I was still five. My birthday is in March and My Grandma taught me a lot of stuff so I didn't need to go to Kindergarten. I didn't want to go to school. I knew how to spell Mississippi and I knew that no one else would know so I didn't want them to make fun of me for being too smart. This guy Peter, who lived in the same senior trailer park that my grandma did would walk by our trailer everyday and ask me if I knew how to spell it yet. He would go over it everyday with me just so he could teach me how to spell it. He scared me a little but there was a fence between us so I never had to go that close to him. Anyway, first grade was not fun at first. Everyone had gone to kindergarten together so they knew each other and I didn't know anyone. I use to be really shy. I had a hard time making friends. When I did had friends, I only had two or three at a time.

First grade got better mainly because I had the best teacher ever. Her name was Mrs. Smith. She was tall and had black hair and pale skin. I remember so well. She treated me like I was her own. She did that with all the kids. She would read stories to us and sometimes make them up. Everyone would fall asleep and some of us girls would braid each others hair. That is how I learned how to braid. I practiced and practiced. First grade came and went. Second grade was the year that I had to have a teacher that I didn't want to have. I don't remember her name. I just remember all the kids saying she was bad but when I was in her class I thought she was very nice. I really liked her. She taught me the months. I never really got those down when my Grandma tried to teach them to me. My teacher had them on the wall above the chalk board and I would look at them everyday because they really helped. They had the pictures of the different seasons that each month was in and it just became so easy for me to learn.

Life was good. I was in school and I had my Grandma and I had some really good friends. Then one night while I when I was in third grade, my mom and Grandma got into an argument. Then in the middle of the night that same night, my mom woke me and tried to sneak me and my brothers out of the trailer. Right as we were walking out the door, my Grandma came to the door and she was crying. I was already crying because I didn't want to leave my Grandma. I started to cry louder and I ran to her. My mom just pulled me away. I didn't even get to say goodbye. My mom just yanked me away. I hated my mom. That is where it all started I guess. ( a realization) I never really understood why I hated my mom so much. That was it. That made the hate build up inside of me that made me HATE my mom. Why did she do it. Everything was fine. I had all A's in school and my brothers were doing fine in school. We had STABILITY and my mom took that way from me. The one child in her life that didn't make it hard for her was taken away from everything and I wasn't a little girl anymore. I had to change schools and go from having friends to getting made fun of and getting into fights everyday just to get home, which, by the way, was a motel. I went from eating my Grandmas wonderful food to sometimes eating rotten food. Why would a person do this? Why would someone be so selfish that they would put their children into a position that at the age of nine she is getting into big rig trucks to help old truck drivers change their oil for money to pay for the motel room? Why would someone do that? Why does a little girl have to work so that her mom can just stay in the motel room watching T.V. Why couldn't I just have been a little girl?

First years

2007-11-29T08:11:00.001-08:00

I obviously can't remember a whole lot from this first year because I was too young but I do know that this is were it all started. March 8th 1983 I was born. I was born at Kaiser Hospital in Hayward, CA at 1:15 in the morning. From what my mom tells me, my dad was sure I was a boy and they had a name picked out already and everything. When I came out with and inny instead of and outy, my dad got mad and left my mom in the hospital.

My dad drank a lot but not as bad as he did later on in his life. It seemed that because he didn't get three boys like he wanted, he decided to drink his problems away. I don't think not having three boys is a real problem but that's my dad for ya. So the first three years of my life I was raised by my mom and and some random guys that she would pick up along the way. The kind of guys you hear kids call uncle in the the movies.

My mom used to smoke. When she found out she was having my oldest brother Clyde she stopped that day. She actually did one thing right in her life. About 18 months after my oldest brother was born, she had my other brother James. He was my best friend. They were both born in the 70's and I was born in the 80's. There was a long stretch between my brothers and I. I still don't know why. Maybe my dad left for a while and came back like he did so often. Maybe my mom had some miscarriages along the way too, who knows.

My dad came back into our lives when I was three. I was so afraid of him. He was tall and red. I just remember all that red skin. It was like he was some sort of spawn of satin or something. My mom put me in the dark blue dress that was way too small for me. I remember the other kids in the trailer park making fun of me because they could see my underwear. My mom was always trying to make my clothes last longer then they should. I grew faster then my brothers did. We never had any money so things had to last.

With my dad home, we had a little more money. The only thing is, he was always losing his job because he would drink or sleep on the job. One time some of the guys where he worked called my mom to tell her that he had just been fired but because he was really drunk he was saying that he was going to go home and kill my mom. She called the police and had him arrested. That was when I was four. I had already been in two foster homes by then. One because my mom was selling herself and got caught and the other was because of my dad saying he was going to kill my mom. When I got out of the second foster home, my mom had another guys living with her already. I was only in there for two weeks. His name was Chris and he was not a good guy. He would take my mom and throw her on the couch and just have sex with her right there in front of everyone. It seemed like he would just force it. Like she was getting raped every day and sometimes twice a day. I hated him. He did move us into a house which was a nice change. I had friends who were my age and I could play like a normal girl my age. That didn't last very long. We were only there for about six months and then we were kicked out and forced to live on the street for about a month. A neighbor finally called the police and we were put in another foster home for about a year.

That is all the time I have for today. I will write more later.

Intro

2007-11-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

When I was in collage, most of my professors told me, and all students, that it is good to write things down to get things out and to make realizations from what you write. This is me taking my professors advise. I don't know what I will find for myself and even if I will be able to keep up with it. I do know that I have had one screwed up life and I need to get it out. I will most likely start with the story of my life and continue from there. I have chosen to leave a few things out because they are things that I have dealt with and choose not to bring back into my life. Most things in my past are really blurry. I don't remember at what age everything has happened but I hope that as I write I will remember.

To give an overview of my life, I grew up in and out of foster homes in California where I am originally from. I have been abused in the most horrible ways and I am still trying to heal from those experiences. My mother is mentally sick and my brothers may as well be too. As far as I am concerned I am the only one who is sane, as sane as anyone can be from the life I have lived. I am now married and have a collage degree from MidAmerica Nazarene University in Youth and Family Ministry. I live in Olathe, Kansas and I am married to a pastor named Ben. He is the love of my life and always will be. Other then that if you want to know more, you'll just ave to read my other blogs. Oh and if you, who is reading this, has experienced any of the things I have gone through please don't be shy. Comment back and hopefully we can heal together. Until next time, May the God above hold you in His hands all the days of your life.